(originally published in August, 2014.)
I've been preparing myself to the day I finally write about the things that have changed from this blog, from me, from my life. After "celebrating" 5 years of blogging last August 4th, I knew that it's time to do so. This might make more sense to my loyal readers who's been following me from the first time I blogged under Sunflares Plethora, my old blog title. I used to write long, thoughtful posts about life and the melancholic side of it. I used to fill my blog with more inspirational posts instead of advertorial ones. I also used to share more productive topics instead of flooding the page with my own outfit pictures. Now when I look at this blog, there's this slight unfamiliar feeling - sometimes it looks like someone else's blog. I realised that unfamiliarity is one of the side-effect of change. I've changed.
Question : Why do I change?
The answer can be long, but I'd keep it simple - I have to change. There are many opportunities related to blogging career that come along my way during these 5 years, and honestly I wasn't very careful on choosing which one I want to try. I made a good mistake when I went with the new-fashion-blogging-trend flow after I decided to blog full-time and move to the capital. I took some jobs that I hate, some projects that were harder to finish than I thought, some not-so-useful collaborations. I learn how to monetize my blog in easy and hard way, and knowing the disadvantages of both. The only way I can grow is by letting myself to change - either for shorter term or longer period of time. And as a person who hates (very, deeply, religiously hates) changes, there were nothing easy about it. I knew I let many readers down and losing potential real-life connections with them. I also knew that I failed myself by focusing on how to make a living from something I like, but end up pushing myself to do many things I don't enjoy by heart. I knew that for quite a long while, but decided to hold the disappointment because I got to finish my process. And being said that, I have to say, I had my lessons.
One of my reader asked me not so long ago, will she (as a reader) ever got to see I blog like the way I used to do back then? The question made me feel like I owe an explanation to her, and to anyone interested. Because maybe, I need that question to reassure me about the true passions I believed in. Because maybe I'm not the only one who get through the similar search of faith by exploring life beyond comfortable boundaries and making important mistakes. And for once, I feel like walking down the old dusty road from where I came from, tracing back the familiar path of faith that brought me to where I stand today.
For me blogging is a way to communicate with the world because human needs to feel connected with one another. Human needs social interaction and I personally wish that I can be part of the online community that construct positive attitudes and inspire meaningful habit to someone's life. I'd like to get into the excitement again. But if I never try to change before, I would never know what I truly want.
When it comes to faith, I guess in some points we perceived it as a commitment to believe on something forever, a 'till-the-end choice, a fixed feeling. Faith is like our ultimate reliance that never change. But it's not. Faith can change, too. Our faith will be questioned in many ways by many people including ourselves - even especially by ourselves. It is not a static idea of trust but rather a dynamic conversation between those strongest values we want to keep for ourselves in life. And faith does change because faith isn't this simple thing that fades over time, faith is a complexion of beliefs that resides inside our soul no matter how much we've physically evolved or mentally travelled. Faith does change in forms, but never in core. Deep down inside our faith stays alive while we go out and try so many different things that goes the opposite ways. It knows we will come back because faith is pretty much like a home : it keeps us safe and secure by letting us know that we will always have a place to rest and be ourselves.
“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky