(not) an end

I found those lights quite awhile ago, dancing on their tiptoes, distract my sights of reality. They were bright, bright as the sparkling hearts, old-chanted diamond bars, forgotten skies. They even gotten the raven mad. Maybe I wasn't the only one that time, got my bone iced and ached, to even dream of having them chased. I slipped and run, fell down and stand, reach out and finally get those lights in hand. It was majestic as I heard the nature sang in chords. It was me and the lights, stepping closely beneath the little trail. Golden memories.

I lost them. Those lighting paths. My thoughts were vague and my soul were burned off its fractures, gone with the ashes of my lonely inner voices. Oh dear my frail, brittle self... You are no longer shine. The delicate nerve had died. "You shall returned to the shiver joint, or delegate your role," that was, the only words I heard.

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The lights were representing my passions. Relate to that, my passions for the writing in general... and blogging in particular. I've been quite a terrible blogger, If you could agree with that, so am I. Blogging has turned itself from a partner into an outcast. I didn't understand what this was all about, me and my lazy blog routines, or everything just has really changed themselves to one silly boredom? No, apparently. It wasn't merely an idle act. It's been a phenomena, and I have to admit that I didn't like it. Starting over than a year ago, blogging was an inspiration for me. A passionate act of doing what I love (writing), share what I like (vintage fashion, arts, thoughts) and socialize in a very comfortable way (visiting other blogs and leaving comments). I used to write whenever I want, take picture everytime I feel like doing it, and not pushing myself too hard for facing the notebook screen from time to time. Recently I've been so annoyed by the urge of being the always-updating-her-blog-regularly kind of person... It pushed me to take too much misused photos, cliché storyline, slumped drafts. I can't be myself. I don't want to be a blogger who bothered too much about what I should write in order to impress people even it against my own desires. I don't want to be a blogger who manipulate my readers about their perceptions of me by doing everything I thought they want me to do. I don't want my writing to be fraud and platitude, I don't want to be an icon or somewhat blogger-star. I want to be me. And for the sake of those people who continually read this blog... I have to be the real me.

Not because it will be fabulous, not because it may sounds cool... But just because it feels right.

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So here I am. Show up back with my old-fashioned way of writing, classic talks, simple taste for my perceived fashion style, and being me. If I owe you an apologize, then it will be for not understanding this earlier. To probably made mistakes by giving up most of my unpublished posts just because I was in doubt. There are many bloggers out there, newcomers and legends, who might never deal any similar situation like mine now. This sphere is getting bigger and talk about business, people put themselves in the shade of competition. Who gets more followers, many comments, variety of publications... It was one of my concern before, honestly, because you will get these kind of instant-excitement to see yourself being exposed - and somehow feel accepted, by lots of people. But then there were haters, disrespectful comments, increasing boredom level and stagnancy attack... I've got over it. This is my journal, this is how I crystallize my thoughts and documenting my life in online archives. I'll just welcoming anyone who might ever interested of reading my words and make a great value over blogging, not being tortured by it tensions.

There are two kinds of light - the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures.
James Thurber

Stay true to yourself. It's probably the best thing you could do in life, since it's the basic start of every step and decision you'll face. I've learned my part... You might as well find yours. And I hope you're happy to have me back.

Find your lights... Or just create them. :)